Things you should know about being a puppy mumma

Leo 6In December we bought home our very own little fur baby, Leo the gorgeous Lab. Before we got him we devoured all the books about puppies/labs and with the help & support of our amazing breeders we felt pretty prepared. It was all so bloody exciting and I wouldn’t change Leo for the world… but there are a few little things that nobody tells you or prepares you for when you get own puppy…..

1. No more lazy days in bed….. he needs a wee,  a walk, breakfast & most importantly your complete & utter attention right now this minute…. Yes, it’s 4.30am

2. He will steal the most random things & hide them in what he thinks is the bestest hiding place that no one knows about…. it’s always his bed

3. Dog hair is your new accessory…. You wear it everywhere

4. You know when he’s been up to something just from the look on his face “haven’t done nothing mum, honest…. someone has been eating your brand new diary though…. I’m not a grass, but I definitely think it was teddy”

5. You will have the shitest day ever and come home wanting to cry…. But when you open the door & see how crazy stupid happy he is to see you, that bad day melts away in an instant

Leo 17Leo 12Leo 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. He has no concept of personal space. He will always be all up in your business…. his bum in your face, nose in your ear, dirty paws on your freshly washed hair and all 28kg’s (and still growing) of him on your lap

7. Just because he has been completely dry in the house for over 6 months does not mean he won’t happily run up the stairs & piss on the bed…. he’s nice like that

8. You will panic at the smallest sign of sickness. Keep calm, he is a pup & they will eat all kinds of rubbish when your back is turned. You were never going to get through puppy ownership without at least one episode of diarrhoea…. Maybe make that 10

9. No one can describe the utter happiness you feel when you realise he is allowed in your local pub…. And he actually behaves himself so your allowed back

10. You will have a full blown conversation with him for at least 15 minutes before you look at his confused little face staring at you & realise you’re talking to a dog…. this will happen about 5 times day

11. He may have had a few good days where he is a little angel but this does not mean he is the world most perfectly behaved dog & can be left alone with the run of the house while you go to the gym….. he will eat through the stairs…. and it will be all your fault

Leo 18

Leo 7

Leo 9

 

12. He will think it’s hilarious to run across the park & then pretend to be deaf as you embarrass yourself screaming his name…. he loves showing you up

13. He knows when your upset and will also gives the best snuggly cuddles & wet kisses in the world

14. You can buy all the expensive toys but nothing excites him more than a smelly sock, a filthy muddy tennis ball or an empty coke bottle

15. He can sulk way better than any toddler, even throwing in a few huffs & puffs…. Such a drama queen… definitely takes after his Mum

Leo 3

Leo 5

Leo 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. He knows the minute you rip off the top of a yogurt pot…. He could be snoring his head off in the other room but as soon as he hears that amazing noise he is by your side in seconds, dribbling as if he hasn’t eaten in months

17. He needs to know everything you are doing & follow you all over the house every second of the day…. he is the nosiest little pest ever

18. He has no idea of how dirty he gets… he will still try to give you sloppy kisses with a face covered in mud…. He just loves you so much

19. One toy will be his favourite & go everywhere with him. It will bloody sink to high heaven & be soggy with dribble & he will touch your face with it when he wants to play…. Have a few spares for swapping when washing…. he’ll never know

20. Lastly, no one warns you the absolute love you will feel for him, it will amaze you how happy he makes you, how much you miss his gorgeous little face & how crazy fierce you will become if his well being is compromised

Leo 19

Leo 8

Leo 4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a puppy mumma is actually kind of wonderful!

Don’t mind me xxx

15 things I wish I could tell my 15 year old self

15 things I wish I could tell my 15 yearWhen I look back at being young, 15 is the age that really stands out….. it was an age where I had so much fun but also made some silly decisions. Here’s a quick list of the 15 things I wish I could tell 15 year Gem.

1. Do not, I repeat, do not cut your hair short…. It does not matter if everyone is doing it, if it looks amazing on Victoria Beckham & you think you have the perfect face shape/bone structure for the latest bob.. You don’t babes & your lovely hair will never be the same. Also, stay away from the sun-in… you are very dark haired, it will only make you ginger

2. Girls can be not only be mean, they can be effing horrible bitches, especially the ones you thought were your bff’s. Put your big girl panties on as you are amazing & they are obvs just jealous. It may hurt right now but they won’t matter in a few years’ time, they won’t even be worthy of you

3. Listen to your mum. You may not think it now but she is pretty much always right. She has the best intuition when it comes to real friends & fake ones, bad boys & good ones & whether you should really go out looking like that…. You shouldn’t, FYI. She will also be your biggest supporter, get you through every horrible thing that you think is going to break you (it won’t), teach you the importance of a good eyebrow, love you unconditionally & always be there for you when no one else is…. go easy on her & try not to make her completely crazy with your stupid teenage antics

4. Don’t be heartbroken about boy that you love from afar and is completely forbidden… in about 15 years’ time he will be putting a ring on your finger & promising to make you smile forever

5. Your obsession with fake tan is beyond ridic…. Your using far too much, without a mitt & it’s the kind that washes off with the tiniest bit of water. Just stop, wotzit orange really don’t suit you Gem

6. Do not take family for granted…. Spend every moment you can with them, yes they are crazy but also pretty bloody wonderful. Time is precious & so are they

7. They are called straighteners Gemma, buy some…. And maybe some Frizz-Ease. You’re welcome

8. Stop trying to grow up too quickly…. Being an adult is scary shit, stay young & carefree while you can

9. You do not need to wear that much black eyeliner. You are not a Goth and you just look dirty. Same goes for all that cheap sticky lip gloss you plaster on every two minutes…. You look like you’ve been stuffing your face with greasy chips!

10. That tattoo is not big or clever sweetie…. It’s a tramp stamp that you will spend every day of your life wishing wasn’t there

11. Right now you & your brother have a love hate relationship (mostly hate) & he is so annoying you want to scream…. But believe it or not in a few years’ time he will give you the most beautiful niece, be one of the reasons you find The Boy, give you a life changing book & after a drunken heart to heart at a house party he actually becomes one of your closest friends… Quick pass the sick bucket

12. You think your fat right now? No babes, right now you are perfect, so start embracing them curves before they turn into rolls…. And just so you know, big bums are appreciated a whole lot more in 2015, so you’re good!

13. Keep writing in your diary, it very therapeutic & will help you make sense of all the rubbish in your head… it will also give you a giggle (and maybe a bit of a cringe) in 10 years’ time

14.Teenage boys are not worth your tears. They are stupid anyway…. And they smell

15. Most importantly, everything changes in a day and what is upsetting you right now won’t even cross your mind in a few weeks. Stop worrying so much, show the world that pretty little smile & just enjoy being a pain in the arse teenager

Don’t mind me xxx

Wednesday wonderings of a twenty something girl….

Wednesday wonderings of a twentysomething girlAnother Wednesday afternoon where I am so bored that I convince myself eating all the chomp bars & mini cheddars is a good idea and definitely won’t make me fat!

So to get over my boredom here is quick list of the random wonderings I have had so far today…..

How is it only Wednesday? Where the eff are you Friday????

Could I actually get away with red lipstick? Or will I just look like a drag queen?

Can’t remember if I have 3 or 4 day hair? I really can’t be bothered to wash my hair tonight…. One more day won’t hurt surely

When in the hell did Chomps become 25p??????????

If I am a size 8, why is there a roll of fat between my armpit and boob? What even is this??????

I wonder how much weight I lost doing that PT session last night? At least 4lbs surely…. I need to weigh myself right now!!!!

Where did all these bruises on my legs come from? And why did they just out of the blue appear on the day I choose to wear a dress

Why on earth is it so hard to give up smoking…. I’m an emotional wreck and hate everybody

At what age will I stop getting spots? I am nearly 30 but have the skin of a teenage boy!!!!

How do I have teenage boy skin but also grey hairs? Doesn’t even make sense…..

So you have liked a picture on instagram, commented on a status of facebook and been on Whatsapp in the past 30 mins…. But you still have replied to my text from last night?!?

How on earth does a quick facebook check turn into a full blown two hour stalking sess?

What happened to strawberry & creams campino sweets?

Why is snow fairy shower gel only available at Christmas?

Why did I just eat all them chomps… Ahhh I feel so sick & disgsuting… ohhhh hello forgotten mini cheddars in desk drawer

Where’s my phone? Where the eff is my phone? S**T, my effing phone has gone, someone has stolen it, SOMEONE HAS STOLEN MY PHONE….. oh wait, it’s in my pocket/hand/right in front of my stupid face

Why are the ones that call you fat, always bigger than you? Do they not look in the mirror? Do they think they are also fat when they are calling you fat?

How is it only 11am? Where the eff are you 4pm?????

Don’t mind me xxx

A Wednesday afternoon rant…..

This closeWarning! I am about to have a big old massive rant….

Forgive me, but sometimes it’s needed to clear the air. And to be quite honest I do love a good rant, so here are all the things that are really bugging me on this boring grey wettish/muggy afternoon…. (does the UK not realise it’s July)

Too much personal drama shared on social media…. Checking in at the hospital on facebook? Five million status updates about a cheating selfish no good bf, two days later he’s the love of your life?  Selfie’s that boarder on porn, did you really miss that flash of nip before choosing the best one to upload? Nobody need to see all this first thing in the morning…. Keep it behind closed doors people!!!

People that try and get on the tube before everyone has a chance to get off…. If you going to use the tube during rush hour, learn the god damn rules!!!!

Also, if you are using public transport, be nice to your fellow humans and use some deodorant. Pretty Please.

When I buy a mozzarella & pesto pasta salad, why is there only three tiny shreds of mozzarella, yet a million & one green leaves. Come on Mr Sainsburys, give me my mozzeralla!

Women that use kids as weapons against their ex. If the Dad is actually bloody amazing, will do anything for their kids and actually put up with the most ridiculousness of baby mama drama without saying a word, what’s the problem? Sorry, that was a little too heavy, but it really really annoys me!!!

Bad eyebrows…. There is no excuse for bad eyebrow ladies…. if you can’t look after a simple eyebrow, what else can’t you look after??

When someone texts you and expects you to reply right that second. When you don’t, because you may just be busy at that moment in time, they proceed to call you, text you, facebook you…. And continue to do so until you answer. Just stop! All this nonsense will only piss us off more & will further delay us getting back to you… STALKER!

When you’re driving and kindly let someone go and they don’t even acknowledge your kindness…. It’s just pure rudeness and completely unacceptable

During this beauteous summer we are having (yeah right) if you choose to wear sandal/flips fops or any kind of toe displaying shoe, please ensure said toes are at the very least in an acceptable public exposure condition

When that beautiful dress you ordered online & have been so excited about finally arrives so you run upstairs to try it on….. and you look nothing like the girl did it the picture. Seriously, is this even the same dress? What is this material? Why do I look 6 months preggers? Who would even wear this!!!!!

And breath Gem…… Rant over!

Don’t mind me xxx

12 Things to remember when in a relationship with a ‘real life’ girl…

Bob Marley1. Pretty much all the time a cuddle can cure all the drama going on in a girl’s world. We may be screaming and shouting while snot drips down our face in an episode of ugly cry, but let us be a drama queen & give us a cuddle, even when you don’t want too. The crown will slowly slide from our heads & peace will resume in our world…… You’re welcome

2. We sometimes need a little extra reassurance that it is us you love & think are the bestest thing in your existence…. stubbly legs, no makeup, dirty hair and bloated bellies galore…. Just a little gentle reminder you think we are still the most beautiful thing you ever laid eyes on is all we need…. and maybe some chocolate, obvs

3. In under no circumstances are you permitted to use our face cloth to wash any part of your smelly boy bodies, that cloth is sacred…. same goes for our exfoliating gloves

4. We expect you to be able to read our minds at all times…. Yes we know in reality this is unrealistic & this makes us crazy but seriously, just effing try ok!

5. We remember every damn thing that ever happened throughout the whole of the relationship including every stupid thing you ever said…. Don’t even try and tell us it didn’t happen the way we said it happened, WE REMEMBER ALL OF IT

6. We will cry at any moment & have a bad day just because. So for your own sake always have a supply of wine/chocolate/ice cream/strawberry laces to hand, in case of emergency & that cuddle hasn’t worked its magic

7. If we ask you how much you think we weigh, or if we look fat, lie for eff-sake, lie as if your life depends on it, make that shit an Oscar worthy performance

8. We are overly emotional creatures that tend to experience life’s highs and lows in magnificent technicolour…. Just role with it, we are definitely worth it, honest

9. We require a little *ahem* extra time to get ourselves ready…. Just because you can jump out the shower, throw on anything and be ready to walk out the door within 5 minutes doesn’t make you superman…. Perfection takes time…. and so do great eyebrows!

10. The little things matter a whole lot and can completely change our entire day…. Waking up to a “good morning beautiful” can keep a huge smile on our faces until bedtime…. Waking up to fart, followed by your amused laughter will not have this same effect, just saying

11. Remember that day we broke our nail, ruining our whole manicure & basically our whole life? The heartfelt sympathy you gave us is the same sympathy you will get when you come home in a state mourning the fact that your team are shit & didn’t win…. Get over it!

12. Lastly…. She is bloody amazing…. Remember that!

Please note this list only applies to men that are actually worthy of having a ‘real life’ girl…. If you are not that kind of worthy no amount of lists are going to help your sorry arse!!!!

Don’t mind me xxx